Monday, August 31, 2009

Maybe Baby: Conclusion

The test results came back negative. I am going through a range of emotions. I can easily rationalize the good in only having three children. They are so much work. So much money. They need lots of time and devotion. We are three against two and that can feel very overwhelming at times. But ....... BUT in my heart I was already in love with those embryo's. I was easily able to put a happy spin on adding a fourth child to the family.
Some of my grief today includes:
Feeling a baby kick and roll inside of you has got to be one of the most incredible sensations in the world.
Naming a person is one of the greatest privileges we get as parents. We had names: Elisabeth Kate (Betsy) for another daughter and Gibson for a son.
The satisfaction you get when you see a baby grow everyday and know that you are the one giving them the nutrition to thrive.
That first smile. Man, that is a high.

I am so glad that I opened up this very private part of my life. I am so thankful for all the emotions that you invested into this process. Infertility has taught me a huge lesson in control. I have very little. I am so thankful that I serve a God that is not only in control of my life but has my very best interest at heart. I am forever grateful for my Tobin, Jabe, and sweet Phoebe.

“Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.” Psalms 143:8

19 comments:

Lindsay said...

Great post!!

Continuing to admire your attitude since the beginning - many years ago!

God is good & is using you in mighty ways ... especially in the lives of your 3 beautiful children!

Stefanie said...

Someday we are going to meet

Betsy
Gibson
Charlie
Blair
Pear:)
Charlotte
Bright
Morgan (i'm givin that one to Matt)
Noah (even that works in heaven)

Hugs

Their Giant said...

I was refreshing your blog like crazy today...and now I find myself in tears. Those are GREAT names. What a reunion you will have in heaven.

Shelby said...

I wish I had just the right words to say, but I don't. I love you all and am so happy you've been blessed with the three amazing kiddos you have now!

momaof4 said...

Many hugs Becca and family. Thank you for sharing this amazing walk.

Lindsay said...

Thanks for letting us in on your journey. I'm really, really sad, it's over. Loved your names, my nephew is Gibson. You'll be in my prayers, Becca.

Brazenlilly said...

Becca, I'm Jen, Jay & Sue's neice/Mike Bunch's sis, who practically acosted you at the NW Kid's Club several months ago. :) I've been blogstalking you for months & have loved and appreciated hearing this very personal story of yours. Thank you for having the guts, humor & wisdom to share it with all of us. I'll continue to check in and see how your parenting adventure is going, even though this particular phase is passing. God bless!

Alida said...

Much love to you and your precious family.

LizzyG said...

Oh Becca, I am so sorry. You are heavy on my heart and are being covered in prayer.

"Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken."
Psalm 16:5-8

Crystal said...

We still love you and are so grateful for the amazing kids you have. You are awesome and strong, and you have millions of people surrounding you with prayers and love.

Valerie of Momia said...

Oh, reading the names you had chosen for them brought tears to my eyes. I know what you mean by that "kick" part.

huuuuuugs

The Nordstrom Family said...

Well, I know you are blessed with what you have, but I am grieving what could have been, too. It is amazing how quickly people (even the unborn ones) can mesh with our hearts and how terribly it hurts when they are torn from our lives. Reminds me of the song "Held". May you experiencing being held by our Father while you grieve this.

KLB said...

Becca,
I love you
I am praying for you

Meghan said...

I've been thinking a lot about you guys and anxiously awaiting your results...I have enjoyed reading about your journey here and I am so so sorry it has come to a close. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and emotions Becca. Can't wait to see you at MOPS!

Candi said...

Yes, the thrill of pregnancy is beyond description, and I know you were ready for it. That feeling never really goes away though - even at my age I remember how wonderful I felt to be pregnant and part of an amazing miracle. So glad you have a beautiful family to help you through this.

February Jill said...

I can't help but think about converations we had on those green couches at Camry Ct. and how Shane and I went home and begged God night after night to make you a mom. I'm so sorry it didn't get to happen one more time but I'm also so happy that from those days to these you have won the battle against infertility. God is so good. We love you.

Jill

Tiffany said...

I'm so very sorry, Becca. I am glad though that you are able to have the attitude you do.

Rachel Clear said...

I'm sorry too. There aren't any other words left to say, other than this: your calmness, perspective and courage are inspiring.

The Boyer House said...

Thinking of you today Becca! Lots of love to you guys...