Thursday, March 18, 2010

Becoming More Respectable

Surely some of my readers think I am going to burn for my last post. I know for fact my grandmother had heart palpitations from just reading the word "cervix". So today I am giving you a little thank you for sticking with me. My dinning room table full of laundry is the backdrop as my little ones give you a front row seat to their musical debut.

Thursday, March 04, 2010

Mildly Inappropriate Humor

Dear American Disability Association,

I wanted to bring to your attention a "disability" that you might not be aware of. Just last week I had a total hysterectomy and although I am so happy to have had my diseased womb removed, I am mourning the loss of my cervix. I liked my cervix and even though all the research says I won't miss it, the research is wrong. I now can kinda imagine what someone who looses a limb might feel like. I am writing to you to see if you can help me feel a little less disabled and a little more able.

What I am asking for is that you find a way to make me my very own prosthetic cervix. Now I am a reasonable person, I understand my new cervix will not even be close to the remarkable one I lost. Surly a prosthetic cervix will never dilate. I've grieved that and moved on. But in exchange I was hoping my new prosthetic cervix could, umm . . . I donno . . . how about squeak? You know like a dog toy or a horn on a bicycle. It would certainly give me motivation to do those Kegels every women should do and I could use it to alert others when they are in my way. I can think of lots of useful ideas for my new prosthetic squeaking cervix. Such as, if I ever loose my voice my squeaker could be my signature greeting or goodbye, similar to shalom.

Please help my dream come true so I can enhance my cervixless life.


Yearning to Squeak