Monday, August 31, 2009

Maybe Baby: Conclusion

The test results came back negative. I am going through a range of emotions. I can easily rationalize the good in only having three children. They are so much work. So much money. They need lots of time and devotion. We are three against two and that can feel very overwhelming at times. But ....... BUT in my heart I was already in love with those embryo's. I was easily able to put a happy spin on adding a fourth child to the family.
Some of my grief today includes:
Feeling a baby kick and roll inside of you has got to be one of the most incredible sensations in the world.
Naming a person is one of the greatest privileges we get as parents. We had names: Elisabeth Kate (Betsy) for another daughter and Gibson for a son.
The satisfaction you get when you see a baby grow everyday and know that you are the one giving them the nutrition to thrive.
That first smile. Man, that is a high.

I am so glad that I opened up this very private part of my life. I am so thankful for all the emotions that you invested into this process. Infertility has taught me a huge lesson in control. I have very little. I am so thankful that I serve a God that is not only in control of my life but has my very best interest at heart. I am forever grateful for my Tobin, Jabe, and sweet Phoebe.

“Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.” Psalms 143:8

Sunday, August 30, 2009

While We Wait

Things that can happen when your twin sister is bossy.

PS I'm waiting till Monday to test. See you then.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Maybe Baby: Public Opinion Poll

I have the pregnancy test scheduled for Monday morning and then have to wait until late afternoon for results. Does anyone else feel like Monday is too long to wait for possibly life changing news?

I am one who likes to find out the sex of my babies at 20 weeks instead of 40. I like clear drinking glasses so I know if I am having milk or juice before I drink. I like to know when company is coming over instead of the "we thought we just drop by" clueless folks. But on the flip side I am a rule follower. And I hate reading the back of books because they give too much away. I like going to the movies without knowing a thing about the film. And grab bags at dime stores were always too tempting for me not to buy.

So what is your opinion? My "Post Frozen Embryo Transfer" rules sheet said not to take a home test. My guess is that it can say negative and you still could be pregnant or it could be positive only to get your hopes up and then to find out with the blood test that you are fated to miscarry soon.

I am also unsure about who I want to hear the news from. I think that I would be fine either way. Pregnant or not. But what if I fall apart on the phone with the nurse? I'm not sure what to do. I suppose I could set up a webcam in my bathroom and we could all take the test together. Would you like that? *crickets*

Please cast your vote if I should test early or not to the comment section.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Five Down

Today we celebrated the last day of Tobin being five. Something magic happens around midnight and he will be six. He is excited to start using two hands to show by fingers how old he is.

Last year when Tobin and I were planning his fifth birthday party, Tobin told me he wanted a surprise party. Then he told me what a surprise party was and that he wasn't going to talk about his birthday anymore because he wanted me to SURPRISE him. I agreed.

It was a challenge but I managed to pull off this doozey of a surprise and he was shocked. Overwhelmed might be the better word. This is him as everyone yelled "surprise!"
Then it quickly turned to this..... a bit of shock.
He warmed right up and we had a great night.
A few weeks after his birthday, Tobin confessed that he never wanted a surprise party again. The five year old surprise party had one big fall back that I didn't see coming, for small kids it's not really about the party; it's about dreaming of the party. The anticipation that it's only months,weeks then days away. It's about wondering what kind of gifts you'll get, who to invite, the attention that will be lavished on you for a whole day.

The surprise party came and went in a few hours and that just wasn't long enough for a five year old.

Now he is phobic when ever we go somewhere and he see's balloons or he doesn't know who's house were at, He says, "Mom, don't tell me. It's my birthday and THIS is my party." I've damaged the boy obviously.

Here's some pictures of Tobin being five.

He's still my pickiest eater. Lives on peanut butter and apple sauce.

Exploring one of the creeks in the backyard.

Meeting neighbor kids and sledding.
First team sport.
Dream trip to Disney with just him and us.
Sea World!
Saying goodbye to pre-school and good buddies.

Here's to six!

Monday, August 24, 2009

Maybe Baby: Restrictions

As we were leaving the doctors office on Friday, the nurse handed me "Patient Instructions: Post-FROZEN Embryo Transfer"

There is a long list of can't do's including this lengthy sentence:

"After the transfer, you can go home, but you should spend the rest of the day quietly resting. The following day, you may resume normal daily activity EXCEPT: Lifting, jogging, diving, aerobics, waterskiing, horseback riding, or any activity with impact landing or jarring motion. "

...... Well there goes my Monday.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Maybe Baby: Make It a Triple

Today was a happy day for me. Today I said good bye to infertility. Of course infertility will always be a large part of my story, it is no longer part of my future, and that makes me happy. No matter the outcome of the transfer, I don't EVER have to deal with the ache of wanting another baby and having to fight with my body to make it happen.

That being said, I know all of you Maybe Baby followers are anxious to hear about the transfer that kept being postponed.

If-y (AKA: Slow-Poke) did grow another cell or two yesterday, but still never caught up with Maybe or Why-Not. Maybe and Why-Not were brought to room temperature. When I inquired about how they were doing, the embryologist told me they looked good but they don't hold them out to watch like they do the younger embryos. So all she could tell me was they survived the thawing process. I asked the doctor if we added Slow-Poke to the mix if he would do any harm. She said no. So Slow-Poke, Maybe and Why-Not were all placed inside my womb with a long skinny catheter. It was very romantic. Right before the embryologist loaded the catheter, she told me that Why-Not was already dividing. She said that was a good sign. Our Dr. said that theoretically triplets are a possibility but extremely unlikely. He even added that twins were also extremely unlikely. So take a deep breath America I am still on schedule for not having a reality TV show.

We make beautiful babies together.

While waiting for the transfer, I told Matt that the ultra sound prob looked like a micro phone. He dared me to try it out.

Never dare me!

Pregnancy test date is August 31.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Maybe Baby: Slow Poke

I've re-named If-y, "Slow Poke". I got a call early this morning that Slow Poke was still growing but at the rate of molasses on a winter's day. Slow Poke still isn't the size of his other frozen siblings ("Maybe" and "Why-not") and in this case size does matter. So we decided to give Slow Poke a little more time to see if he would catch up. I for one always root for the underdog. So I have a new transfer time for tomorrow at 11:30am. The best part about Slow Poke is because we had to wait a day, Matt now gets to be with me when I get pregnant (what a concept, he's especially pleased....).

So please all cheer on Slow Poke! I don't know why but I think I may have passed on the "slow" gene to him so it's not his fault.

Sorry for the late up date. I just got back from six hours in the car driving to pick Matt up from Camp Rilea and I am so glad he is home!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Maybe Baby: One Womb Vacancy

I often wish I could paint. Because I have a portrait in my mind that I want the world to see. It's of a barren woman. Alone in a dry dessert land where the dirt beneath her is cracked from the thirst of water. Water is life to the dessert and without it nothing grows. This woman has her arms raise palms up to the heavens where her eyes also face. She has an expression of grief and surrender on her face. Tears drip down her face and puddle to the mud on the ground, if you look close, you see a green sprout of life though her tears.

I have been that woman in the dessert for years and now if I could paint my picture I would be in a lush forest. I have life all around me. And so for me these frozen babies is a picture of God's bounty in my life. I was hungry and ask for bread and He gave me a glorious feast.

So here is the deely-o with the transfer today. It didn't happen. Please excuse the lack of technical terms I just want to try to lay this out in plain ole second grade language. Out of the four remaining embryos two are frozen at the 3 day stage and 2 are frozen at the 5 day stage. They defrosted the two, 2 day embryo's and one stopped dividing all together and the other looked "if-y". Dr. said that he has seen a pregnancy from Mr. If-y and laid out two options for us. Option 1 go ahead with the transfer today and having a low chance of this baby implanting and then make a plan to do another frozen embryo transfer either in a few months or in a few years depending on weather or not I get pregnant this time.
Option 2, let If-y grow in the lab for a few days until If-y is as old as his brother and sister (let's call them Maybe and Why-not) Of course the downside to this option is the (very slight) possibility of triplets (gulp).

So Matt and I were very clear about what we should do. Completely on the same page. We went with Option 2. We are very happy that at the end of this month we will have a good idea of what our family is going to look like.

I was so very touched by all the of the sweet comments/prayers that you took time to write. We had some Cyber Church happening yesterday and I felt very loved. I also could not believe how many of you were willing to come to my home to give me my shots. I am again so grateful to have all of you in my life. Oh the other news you should know is that I am now scheduled for a transfer on Thursday.
Until then, My empty womb and I will sign off.

What I know for sure: We won't be having seven children.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Calling Two or More

I've received a trusted go ahead from Becca to "high-jack" her blog tonight. You don't even need to know me, because this isn't about me. It's about our friend, sister, neighbor, daughter, wife, mother and fellow believer that we find in Becca.

We all know that she will embark on a new leg of this journey in motherhood tomorrow morning with the transerring of more of her and Matt's embryos. And although she is going into this moment with a mighty faith and sure confidence in whatever the outcome - - I believe with all my heart that it warrants prayer.

Not one prayer, but many voices lifted high with our blog hands layed firmly on her shoulder. I believe that where two are more are gathered, God honors our collaborative effort. And I believe in the divine and powerful touch of hands layed upon a fellow sister or brother in Christ.

I know that before her very first transfer - the one that gave Matt and Becca the blessing of Tobin, their pastor and elder team came to their house the night before and laid hands on them. They prayed mightily for a long time and Becca told me that she cried "hot tears" and felt the Holy Spirit's presence consume the room and her heart.

Today, God has given us a new outlet of communication and why shouldn't we use it for prayer?! Please envision yourself praying over Becca AND Matt as you leave your comment tonight or in the days to come. My friend says that prayers can be retroactive too, so even if you read this in a week to come - still pray through her comment section. I know that God will honor our voices lifted and that Matt and Becca will be blessed.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Maybe Baby: Love Thy Neighbor

Let's have a contest! First person to comment on this post gets to give me my progesterone shot, each night for a week, in my rear.

Hello? Is anyone there? Hello?

So Matt's work is sending him away for a week. A very important week. This week. The week of the transfer. Although it sucks that he will not be there when I might become pregnant, my mother and mother-in-law are filling in. You read it right, I might get pregnant with my moms. You read it here first.

The real issue is this. I have never given myself the progesterone shot. It's the big one. The one that goes in my cheeks and not the ones that my grandma used to pinch, the ones my *Uncle Pervis used to pinch. I've been worrying about this for a week now and have come up with a few back up options.

Option A: Find a non-needle phobic friend to give me my shot. The problem is I don't want to have to load the kids up each night to go pull my pants down in someone else's living room. Call me crazy just not my thang.

Option B: Ask my neighbor. She's a pharmacist and nice and well besides borrowing sugar isn't that what neighbors are for?
Hello? Is this thing on?

Option C: Buck up and do it myself. The IVF nursing told me I could give the shot in my thigh so I really thought my issue was solved. I have prided myself with being brave about this whole multiple-daily-shots predicament but when I tried to give myself the shot tonight I just about fainted. I just stared at this fishing pole of a needle and started sweating. . .

So Option B it is. Question. How do you say thank you to the neighbor you hardly know coming over each night to handle my butt? A card? Flowers? Ahh I know ..... gloves!

*I don't have an Uncle Pervis. All my uncles are stand-up men.

UPDATE: My neighbor just left. She's a pro and we even got to talk for an hour after. Who new that my hiney could build a friendship!