Thursday, March 04, 2010

Mildly Inappropriate Humor

Dear American Disability Association,

I wanted to bring to your attention a "disability" that you might not be aware of. Just last week I had a total hysterectomy and although I am so happy to have had my diseased womb removed, I am mourning the loss of my cervix. I liked my cervix and even though all the research says I won't miss it, the research is wrong. I now can kinda imagine what someone who looses a limb might feel like. I am writing to you to see if you can help me feel a little less disabled and a little more able.

What I am asking for is that you find a way to make me my very own prosthetic cervix. Now I am a reasonable person, I understand my new cervix will not even be close to the remarkable one I lost. Surly a prosthetic cervix will never dilate. I've grieved that and moved on. But in exchange I was hoping my new prosthetic cervix could, umm . . . I donno . . . how about squeak? You know like a dog toy or a horn on a bicycle. It would certainly give me motivation to do those Kegels every women should do and I could use it to alert others when they are in my way. I can think of lots of useful ideas for my new prosthetic squeaking cervix. Such as, if I ever loose my voice my squeaker could be my signature greeting or goodbye, similar to shalom.

Please help my dream come true so I can enhance my cervixless life.

Sincerely,

Yearning to Squeak


18 comments:

KandN said...

Lol!! As long as there was a mute button!
Thanks for the laugh!

Kim Hosmer said...

So wrong in so many ways... I will never be able to hear the squeak of a dog toy and not laugh now... I love you lady and will see you tomorrow!

Rachel said...

Oh my gosh Becca...you have too much time on your hands!!! That's funny!!!

Crystal said...

I'm not sure what gave you this idea....but I like it.

Julie Rogers said...

I agree with Kim! I also agree with Rachel---how much pain medication have you had?

Love ya,
Julie
PS: I'm an official Glory Laine follower/stalker now.

momaof4 said...

What are you on? Sourt of sounds nice :) Could you imagine your kids running up to you and showing there friends the cool trick their Mom can do :)

Anonymous said...

You could call it the " i-cervix " it could even have it's own ring tones, remote control apps and when you're in a movie, you could put it on vibrate......

February Jill said...

Oh my. You could revolutionize the world with that one.

And I think the anonymous commenter with the vibrating idea needs to come forward please!

Jill

Stacey said...

Ummmm, you just earned yourself a table for 1 at Sample family gatherings. I'm afraid the rest of us can't keep up with your specialness. ;-) Love you!

Brazenlilly said...

"Similar to shalom." Best laugh of the day right there!

KLB said...

becca...you are disgusting..hilarious, but disgustiing. LOL JK JK. I love you and laughed my butt off.

Anonymous said...

Jilly Jill, "Anonymous" will not come forward, then they wouldn't be anonymous would they?

The Pilgrims said...

If laughter really is the best medicine, you'll be healed in no time because there's no way you could have written that w/o laughing all the while. :) Love your sense of humor and pray that your recovery is short so that you can get back to that busy life chasing after your kiddos and snuggling with your hubby.

I'm Following Him said...

Oh my gosh, Becca. You are hilarious! I think a whoopie cushion could fill in for your cervix. It does even better than squeek!

Karen said...

I'm so proud of you for blogging on the squeaker toy idea! I have never laughed so hard at a MOPS meeting.

Gabriel and Lyndsay said...

I love you. You know what I'm not gonna do? Act like this was just a joke post. You are in some kinda transition right now, the sort I can't imagine. You know what I *will* do? Invent you a hoo-ha clarinet. This is what I will do. I will march straight to the Clarinet Store, and retrofit one for a hoo-ha. I will call it the Kazoo-Ha, and you will make music with it. Because you are brave and beautiful and funny and dry and courageous and the definition of the word PANACHE (which means you're one of my heroes), and what you deserve more than anything else is a wind instrument for your lady bits. I'm on it, cousin.

Rachel said...

this is awesome! :)

srid20 said...

OK. I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry after reading that...but I must say that as the first male to comment (other than 'anonymous') on this I feel quite priveleged (and defiled).

I'm going to go wash my hands now.