Maybe Baby: Loaded

I got the box I've been waiting for.

Wanna see what's inside?

Drugs.

Lots of drugs.

The cast of characters:

Birth Control Pills

Estrace (not pictured. She's really shy. And I ordered her from Costco so I forgot and left her in my medicine cabinet during the drug photo shoot.)

Leuprolide (I call him Leupron for short and Louie when we're having a really tender moment)

Progesterone Oil

A safe box for all my used needles. I'm a little offended it says "BIOHAZARD" on it. I'm clean. I swear.

And mountains of various size needles.

See this needle?

It's roughly the size of a garden hose. Thankfully it's used only to suck-up the thick Progesterone Oil and then the needle is changed to this sized needle (roughly the size of a pencil.) for insertion.

Unless of course your *ahem* husband forgets to do the swap and stabs you with the garden hose instead. Twice. (It happened almost four years ago and we are still not talking.)

Before I begin with the details of this cycle I wanted to remind all my fertile friends out there that these drugs are for a Frozen Embryo Transfer. Meaning these are drugs that just get my body ready to accept the Embryo's. If I were blogging about the first time that I did an IVF cycle where we first had to have my ovaries super ovulate and they went from the normal size of kiwis to the size of grapefruit..... well the post listing all the drugs from that cycle would surly cause global shut down of the web.

I talked with the IVF nurse and got my protocol and dates all set for this cycle and I am going to share them all with you so you can write them in your calendar and call and remind me each day on what and how much dosage I should be taking. Kay?

I started the birth control pills on June 28th and then I'll start adding one shot of 20 units of Leupron on July 13. This combination of drugs basically tells the brain to stop communicating with the reproduction organs because our goal is to create a "perfect" cycle using medication. Leupron is a subcutaneous medication that is injected. The needle is tiny and really isn't a big deal.

Unless you think you are alone in the office that you work at. (The church) and you remember that you need to give your self an injection and slide your pants to your ankles and with a needle in your hand ....... the heater repareman walks into your office. Most embarrassing moment to date.

July 20th last Birth Control Pill, continue Leupron.

July 28th OHSU appointment: Blood Draw and Ultrasound. This is to make sure my body is in full blown menopause. Oh and our full payment is due. And because I am keeping it real here. It's about $3,000. Goodbye savings. It was fun while it lasted. PS incase you are curious, a fresh IVF cycle is at the very least $12,000. I'm not going to lie that bill stung a bit. Not like a bee sting more like a shot gun round to the neck. But how can you put a price on creating a family? Ended up that Matt's grandmother passed away when we I was just a few months pregnant with Tobin. Our inherence just covered our debt. I can't think of a better way to have passed down her legacy then with her first great-grandchild. God provided.

July 29th: Continue Leupron and add one pill of Estrace daily. Estrace is now going to start building the lining of the uterus.

August 4th: Continue Leupron and add another Estrace pill daily.

August 9th: Continue Leupron and start three Estrace pills daily.

August 13: Ultra Sound (just to check the lining making sure the Estrace is working.)

August 14: Stop Leupron. Decrease Estrace pills to two daily. Start Progesterone Oil. This is when Matt comes on board. I can't reach the area it needs to be injected into. After about a week of these, I also can't sit.

August 18: The big (Projected) day of Embryo Transfer. This requires a whole post in itself. Looking forward to it?

Welcome to my druggie world for the next few months. Forgive me if I forget your birthday or your name.

PSA

In case you've ever wondered what gets ball point pen ink off walls:

rubbing alcohol and elbow grease.

This Public Service Announcement has been brought to you by,

the letters J, A, B, and E.

Maybe Baby #2: Saline Infusion Sonogram

Before I get started with the next installment of "Maybe Baby", I wanted to address something that came up in the comments of my last post. (lovely comments by the way!) I wanted to clear up a common misconception about IVF. In our culture we are hearing a lot more about couples having super twins (3 or more) babies through infertility treatments. Most people assume that these multiples are from "In-Vitro" when in-fact super twins are from a procedure called IUI or intrauterine insemination. With In-Vitro you have more control over how many embryo's are placed back into the mothers womb and can put a concerted effort into keeping your litter to twins or smaller. With IUI some women are given egg enhancing drugs and then sperm is inserted into the uterus and that's when the possibility of the woman turing into a human gum-ball machine is risky. Under the care of a quality doctor both procedures can be done responsibly and when it doesn't I have put quite a bit of blame on the medical staff for not being careful. Nadya Suleman is a perfect example of someone who had a clown for a doctor and now is raising a circus. So for me and my house, we will at the most be transferring only two at a time. So no reality show in my future.

That ain't right!

Friday I checked off the next appointment procedure for our frozen embryo transfer (FET). It's called a Saline Infusion Sonogram (SIS) or trial transfer. This is a quick appointment that involves being on antibiotics for a few days before to prevent infection during the procedure. Without going into how this is done (you can read the link if your really curious) I'll just say that the doctor is looking to see if your uterus has any abnormalities they need to take care of before involving the actual embryo's. The doctor said that my uterus looked, "beautiful". And then I blushed. My mom always said that it's better to be beautiful on the inside. Boy was she right.

Maybe Baby #1

I am going to attempt something extremely radical and dangerous on my blog. I am going to really open up and share something entirely personal and a bit controversial with the hopes of documenting a time in my life and perhaps helping someone else along the way. I am going to blog about my experience with making babies. Now for the general public I would strongly advise you to never blog about your method of baby making, but mine, well... mine is a bit more PG rated. I make my babies in a lab. That's right. White coats, microscopes, and doctors do my conceiving.

Tobin

Phoebe

Jabe

All made in a lab...... on the same day. December 3rd 2002.

Because I have Endometriosis Matt and I are unable to have *ahem* our genetic material meet in the conventional way, so after almost four years of experimenting we found that the only way for me to get pregnant was through a procedure called In Vitro Fertilization (IVF).

I had never known anyone to go through this procedure and certainly lots of opinions swirled in the Christian community about ethical questions surrounding the procedure. Matt and I have always been firm that we believe that life begins at conception. We believe that God has designed each of us with a purpose and plan and He gives us all a soul the moment we were created. Of course he also gave all of us free will and well that's where the story gets all fumbled up. Anywho, Matt and I put prayer, research, and guidance into making the decision to go forward with IVF with a few parameters to be responsible. I so wished that there was a chapter in the New Testament outlining infertility treatments but as many heartbreaking stories there are in the Bible about barren women God doesn't give us any details on how to fight barrenness in the modern world. I have to say that from the moment we started to investigate IVF, God said yes. He did that with the Christian doctors and nurses He brought to us, our church who supported us, our family who gave us the shove we needed to get started, but most of all He gave us a peace that this was the avenue we needed to travel to meet three special people: Tobin, Phoebe, and Jabe.

It was our first parenting decision to listen to God's call on us.

Without going into all the medical jargon on how IVF works just know that it takes money, needles, hormones, ultra sounds, blood draws, more hormones, stirrups, and faith.

So here I am just getting to the reason for writing this post. Try to follow me here and if you get lost, just know that it's me not you. I'm complicated. Matt and I started out with a whopping 15 embryo's in 2002. The first two were placed inside me fresh, meaning they were not frozen. Tobin and a twin that never implanted. Out of the remaining 13, five were dividing too slow and were held and watched to see if they survived to the next stage of blastocyst (120 cells). The other eight were divided up into pairs and placed in the cyro freezer until we were ready for more children. Out of the five that we were concerned with, only 2 made it to blast and they were frozen at that stage. So we were left with eight, 4-6 cell embryo's and two, 120 cells embryo's totaling ten. Please don't make me do a spread sheet.

When Tobin was 1 year old, we were ready and eager to add to our family. We got my body ready to accept the frozen tot's and found out after defrosting four embryo's that only one was viable for transfer and one was one the fence. We threw them both in. (We found that if an embryo doesn't survive the defrosting it was doomed for an early miscarriage.) None of those embryo's implanted. We were told to prepare ourselves that Tobin might have been our only miracle.

We waited to give my body time to heal and when Tobin was 2 we tried again. This time they defrosted only one vile and both embryo's looked, "perfect". Thus Jabe and Phoebe attached and grew and took all the doctors and nurses by surprise.

So now here we are, my perfect little family. Most people who don't know my story, but see my family, assume that we are done; truthfully we might be. But, we have a 4 more frozen "pieces of potential" that Matt and I are committed to see what their fate is.

Tuesday we had our consultation with our beloved Reproductive Endocrinologist about possibly adding to our family using our secret stash of humans we have in cryo freeze. Remember Jabe and Phoebe were frozen for three plus years before they found their way into my womb.
This time I was happy to be in this waiting room. But I do remember when just a few years ago those waiting room chairs held me in an uncertain time in my life. I felt broken and alone. I remember looking at the other women in the room wishing we could talk. Really talk about how sucky infertility was. I really just wished I could ask someone "what cycle day are you on?" or "I've heard nurse Jane has the best success rate at intra uterine inseminations" or perhaps, " are you, like me, worried that you just might die with this ache in your arms that cries out to hold your baby? Or is that just me?" I never did have these conversations with the other infertile women sitting in the waiting room. Instead I just pretended to read old People magazines and hope my name was called next. But today as I was sitting and waiting I had such a new peace about me. I have kids. LOTS of kids. My cup runneth over. I am completely content and yet if I have another baby my family will be even more complete. I still wanted to reach out to these other couples but what do I say? How do I start such an intimate conversation with strangers? A few thoughts crossed my mind. I could say something like, "So is it your problem or his?" or "So you want kids real bad huh? Hey I've got three! Even a set of twins! You want to look at my adorable children so you can be reminded of what you don't have?" Thankfully I choose to sip on my coffee and read an old People magazine.

Today we and our doctor came up with a plan on defrosting some of our babies in the frozen nursery. (They have been in for six years!) Our doctor gave us a 50/50 chance that we might end up with one baby. We are really ok with however this turns out. We gave up control over our family to a God many years ago and I must say He has done a marvelous job in knowing just what our family should look like and I don't doubt for a second that He has this all figured out in a perfect way. I will be updating during each step of this process so please follow along. Please leave questions you might have in the comments. I am not shy about this so ask away; I know I've left lots of wholes in our story. Blog reader will get all the updates first so please keep checking back to see if we will be becoming a family of six, or seven or more yikes!

Perspective

Last night I had a plan to finish book three of the Twilight saga. Just a few hundred pages to go and I was going to trade sleep for the completion of the Vampire/Werewolf fight. Jabe had been battling a fever and cough and I thought before I got lost in my book I should just go and check on him to make sure his Tylenol hadn't worn off.

Sure enough he was burning up. I brought him out on the couch with me while I read to make sure the medicine did it's job. I gave him some juice and let him watch a cartoon while I read. An hour later he was still burning up so I added Motrin to his drug cocktail and was confident that he would be feeling cooler soon.

Then I felt his little feet kicking my leg like he was pretending to run a marathon. I looked over at him and saw my baby having a seizure. Eyes rolling back, drooling, every muscle in his body contracting. Seconds felt like minuets as I started screaming for Matt, waking up Tobin instead. I was frighten Tobin saw his brother like that. I grabbed the phone the same time Matt woke up and told him to call 911. I tried to reassure Jabe we were here while his body looked like a demon had possessed it and gave Tobin "jobs" to do so he wasn't just starring at Jabe. Once the seizing stopped I scooped up my sweaty baby and with slurred speech he asked for his binky. I was so scarred he had brain damage and amazingly at the same time was well aware that I was not wearing a bra and my house would soon be full of firemen. I asked Tobin to get the bra that I had left conveniently in the middle of my bathroom floor with the rest of that days clothes. He must have skipped right over it and rummaged though my drawers and brought me back a white, strapless number that hasn't fit me since college (I hoard bras). I thanked Tobin and squeezed myself into it. Better than nothing.

Phoebe slept though the fire truck, ambulance, and our friend Kim (who didn't think twice to come to my house at 1 am to watch my kids). As Kim put Tobin back to bed he told her that he didn't think Jabe was going to make it. After his buddy Darian passed away a few weeks ago Tobin is very aware that death has no age boundaries.

After three hours in the ER they found that Jabe also has an ear infection and to be aware that he is now more susceptible to Febrile Seizures now that his brain has had one. No permanent damage has been done and we are all very tired and grateful for the

outcome.

When we arrived home I woke Tobin up so he could see Jabe healthy and he gave him a happy hug. This morning Tobin declared today "Jabe-Day". I was happy with that idea until I walked into my once tidy office to see that Jabe had dismantled every board game we own and then sprinkled glitter over everything.

And with that it was the conclusion of "Jabe-Day".

Little Bit of Main Street

We took our journey to Mecca this last week. Disneyland! We've been planning and saving and wishing for this trip for months and I can't even believe it's over. We made a decision to only take Tobin on this trip. The twins are still too young to really know what Disneyland is and too small to even remember a trip like this in their long term memory. (We could always photoshop them into a few pictures if they are sensitive to it later.) But even more than that we really just wanted to spend some quality time with Tobin. He's five ....... already. He doesn't give Santa or fairies any more energy to even try to believe in. He told me matter of factly that, "everyone knows that fairies became extinct with the dinosaurs." Well than. He's growing up fast and we wanted to spend a few days with him being 5. In the mean time we all became kids again, yelling on roller coasters, being thrilled on Splash Mountain, defeating Vader, eating ice cream for breakfast, and waking though Main Street until they kicked us out at midnight. We had a blast and I just think my boy started to believe in fairies again. Especially if it means they all looked like this!


A few more pictures of our magical time.

A Disney tip: When you are debating on taking a one day trip away from the park to explore other attractions and your family can't decide between Legoland or Sea World and you really want to take a break from theme parks and have always dreamed of being a dolphin trainer (never mind that I can't swim. The dolphins swim for you right? Right?) but your five year old has been corupted by all his little pre-school buddies that he just HAS to go to Legoland. Solution: take hime to the Lego STORE in Downtown Disney and tell him that it's Legoland. He bought it and we didn't spend a dime.

More to come....

Housewives: Need a Laugh?

Rookie

Our lives have been invaded by T Ball. Three days a week. Today was the first game. During breakfast I told Tobin he was going to be playing the Giants. His eyes got real big and he asked, "about how big are they mom?". Tobin did well and told me not to cheer so loud, apparently it inhibits him to run in a straight line to first.

Here's some pictures of our Cub.

Conversations Worth Remembering

Tobin: age 5 1/2 

Me: age 31 11/12

Place: Mini Van en-route to MOPS 

When: Two weeks ago

Tobin: Mom, did you know that Beethoven was the first person to invent music?

Me: No, I didn't know that. 

Tobin: Beethoven is my favorite. Do you know why he's my favorite?

Me: (turning down Beyonce' to hear why on earth Tobin enjoys Beethoven) Why?

Tobin: 'Cause his last name's "Tobin"

My Carefree Weekend

Jill, Stefanie and I got away for our annual, "Get me the h*** out of my house" weekend. We usually do this pre-Christmas so we can call it a productive Christmas shopping trip but this year we waited a month for Ms. Ruby to be weened. This was the first time in four years that we have had our weekend baby free. Every other year one of us has been nursing. We had such a great time window shopping, drinking Starbucks, eating Miso Salmon, antiquing, giggling all hours of the night, and we even went to the movies! (Jill will have more on that!) Of course this was all possible because our husbands know the value of having refreshed wives and made every effort to assure us that they could do our job fine for a few days. Matt even took on the task of watching Mike and Stefs three little girls for the day on Saturday. He seemed completely confident in taking on the task and even told me he had a craft planned. I did forget to ask him what the craft was..... hum....... perhaps he had the pre-schoolers make semi automatic weapons out of toothpicks? Or maybe homemade napalm? I'll have to ask. Here's a little clip of his adventure. 

PS, Jill and Stef, I didn't want to call you guys with this news but Tobin has been puking all morning. I think all our kids have been together sometime or another this weekend so...... heads up. 

Bone Loss..... The Good Kind

Parents, 

I need your help. What's the going rate for a first tooth?

Warmly,

The Tooth Fairy

PCOS

I just realized that my title could refer to Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome but really I've just self-diagnosed myself with Post Christmas is Over Syndrome. It's a brand new syndrome yet to be in the DSM V.  Truth is I am sad the holiday is over. We hosted all the parties this season and I loved that my new house was bustling with all the people I love. The flow worked great, just as I had imagined it as I was scouring over house plans.  It's just so sad when it's over. The guilt free cookies, fudge, and whipped cream on everything. The threats to children to shape up or Santa won't come. The sparkly decorations and smell of a pine tree in my living room. And the snow! We had a white Christmas. First I can ever remember. It really put an authentic spin to the whole thing. And oh how I love a good  Christmas party. Matt and I even went to the city's police party where is was awarded police officer of the year! (He made me promise not to tell anyone cause he's humble and shy like that. So I am just going to WRITE it here for a few people to read. See I didn't say a word.) 

Here is Christmas 2008 review in pictures: 

The tree I just took down.

The stocking that are now in the attic. Oh and see that big clock I got for Christmas. It's so perfect. How does Santa know these things?

But my all time favorite gift was this!

 Angela and I exchanged ornaments this year and I may have mentioned that I really wanted a house to represent our new one this year. So Darrin made me this replica! Amazingly thoughtful. 

All Mike and Pam's grandkid in matching PJ's.

Don't you hate it when you get the perfect Christmas card photo AFTER you send them all out?

My grandparent loving watching Phoebe force feeding her baby doll.

Sweet brothers.

Cousin Mariko looking really happy for Phoebe's present.

Not only does he know the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field, he does a mean Fire Marshal Bill face. (5000 bounce points to anyone else who know these odds.)

Daddy and Phoebe. Seems like she doesn't like the itchy whiskers. Join the club.

It was so wonderful seeing the twins really get into the spirt of Christmas. 

See Jabe's cute long locks? I just cut them off before his nap. Looking at this picture, I totally regret it. 

And now let the long, cold, wet winter resume. May spring be here fast. 

Right of Passage

Every household/culture has one. A symbol of coming of age. For some it's a Bar Mitzvah others a Quinceanera  or maybe it's the first swig of beer. From the moment the radiologist said, "it's a boy"  Matt had one thing on his mind. Hunting? Shooting? Baseball? All good hypotheses but all would be wrong.  Matt has been waiting (not so patiently) for Tobin to be ready to watch Star Wars. Star Wars has played a major theme in Matt's life. Falling in love with them as a boy and memorizing every word, line, hatch number has made him the freak-show of every party. After being pronounced husband and wife we even walked down the aisle to the Star Wars theme song. To reveal the sex of our first child we had our friends and family solve a puzzle that read, "I am a Jedi, like my father before me." And this year under the Christmas tree lights, Tobin woke up to his own set of original Star Wars trilogy DVDs with a note from Santa that he had proved to be a brave boy and would be able to watch these legends that his Dad had been preparing him for.  So nap time at our house has been reserved for Tobin and Dad time on the couch, with amazing snacks and eye popping thrills. I don't know who is happier? Tobin, Matt or me cause I've had Hans Solo in my living room for three days?