I think I might be getting better at this mom stuff. The quality of my parenting really took a nose dive once I actually BECAME a mother. Because before I was a mom I would pridefully have declared myself a prodigy of child rearing. Mothering before I had my children looked rather uncomplicated and simplistic. Really all you have to do to turn out a good "product" is provide love, consistency, discipline, and lets not forget common sense. Easy. Fast forward to my Tobin. I did forget a few ittsy bittsy factors in my plan to produce perfection. One, these kids come with their own wills and ideas about how life should be. Two, They are really demanding about getting their needs met. And I have found them to be quite ungrateful for services received. Three, I didn't expect this insane pressure that weights in the back of my sleep deprived mind, that at any moment I could snap and scar them for life.
I remember vividly getting really frustrated with Tobin as a baby for doing, well immature, baby things. Like mashing his food into his freshly washed hair and all over the moped floor. I would be stern with him when I would take him shopping and he would dare be disruptive to the other shoppers. I could watch my blood pressure rise as he wildly displayed his frustration over the choices of toys I brought for him at a restaurant. The list goes on. Tobin had to break me of all the misconception I had about what mothering meant. It wasn't about doing things perfect, and getting the perfect result. Mothering is about watching and loving the process of growing. It's about being that person that allows mistakes and exploration with a cool temper. It's about rediscovering the world all over again thought the eyes of someone who has yet to discover the worlds evils.
So the other day when I found Phoebe discovering toilet paper, I took pride in myself that I ran for the camera instead of running off her joy in this paper that you could wrap all around yourself and run though the house with it following you.
And then suddenly I felt sad for Tobin. His mommy was a stress case when he was discovering the world. I know one day Phoebe and Jabe will thank Tobin that he went first. Tobin was the Guinea pig that we experimented on and who taught me to enjoy the process of growing up.